Hello ladies and gentleman!
Guess who's back? Back again.. Tomothy's back, tell a friend! Welcome back to the Tomothy superstar show everyone! You look good today, viewer! Are you using a new conditioner?
And boy oh boy, do I have another situation for YOU, my beloved viewers!
Life's pretty tough, working long and hard hours at the yo mama joke factory, though according to my AI girlfriend, luckily, that's the only thing in my life that's long and hard... Hey wait a second...
But anyways, when I get back home, it's nice to sit back and unwind to some of my favorite nick toons. Nowadays they only play the classics on nick at nite because apparently kids these days can't handle quality shows, according to producers. I was babysitting my nephew tonight, and I decided I'd show him some REAL cartoons. Tonight, there were a few reruns of ren and stimpy and catdog. I relaxed with some popcorn, toaster strudels, and a large coke, and watched some good ol' telly. After watching ren and stimpy, the bumper said catdog was coming next, but strangely, it was a brand new episode. That was pretty bonkers, because this show ended AGES ago! I was intrigued. I just hope they kept true to the original, and didn't taint one of my favorite shows with any modern day filth! I made some popcorn, and grabbed a Mr.Pig soda, the store brand soda from piggly wiggly, and began watching. I had already finished my other snacks from earlier.
The title card popped up, and that's when I saw it.... "Every Dog Has His Day" the title contained the word "his", which is a pronoun.. I almost lost it, I just knew they'd make this new episode woke! I got so mad I spat on the ground. Now there's spit in my carpet, and I ain't cleaning that shit up! Whatever.. I can deal with one woke moment, just as long as there aren't any minorities in the episode, or anything like that.. Then I'd really shit myself! The episode began. We see dog sitting on the couch, chewing on a bone. Cat was on tinder, flirting with women. He was trying to impress them with all the woman facts he learned from r/badwomens anatomy videos on youtube. "Hey, did you know you can piss with a tampon in?" Sadly, the ladies didn't like this as much as he thought they would. My nephew said that he did NOT have skibidi rizz! I don't know that the fuck that means, but I agree with him completely.
Dog then got an idea. "Lets go beat the shit out of winslow, steal his wallet, and use his money to buy crochet supplies, and make little doilies!" Cat thought this sounded like a marblous idea in the situation, and they went to go harass that individual. After they got the money, they went to the arts and crafts store. They tried to buy all the stuff they needed, but apparently winslow only had five dollars across all of his debit cards, which wasn't nearly enough with inflation and whatnot. Now personally, I'm not sure what sonic the hedgehog being blown up like a balloon with an air pump for a fetish has to do with the economy, but maybe my AI girlfriend will know. I took a swig of my Mr.Pig and kept watching. Anyway, this really pissed off catdog, and boy oh boy were they pissed! They screamed at the top of their lungs, and then they held the store clerk over their heads, and ripped him in half, then shoved his head up his own ass. They put his mutilated body into a large box and mailed it to his loved ones, alongside a threatening letter, written with magazine and newspaper clippings like a ransom note.
But that wasn't strange, just typical run of the mill catdog activities, they basically did this in every episode.
Hey wait a second, I just saw something terrifying in the background, enhance! I zoomed in further and further... Right there, behind that tree! Is that a black pansexual Mexican with a muslamic turbine I see? AND they use they/them pronouns??? There's not really any indication of that, I just have a gut feeling. That's it, Nickelodeon is getting a strongly worded email from me! I'm shaking my fist at the air in rage! Damn you, liberals! This is worse than the rind of Zayo Dedong! Funny name that guy has... After all this, catdog looked directly into the camera and asked what that rancid smell was. I told them it was probably just the huge load I'd just dropped in my britches due to that last scene, that's all. Cat angrily said, "wiseguy, eh?" And pulled out a pistol, pointing it directly at me. Then Cat tried to force me at gunpoint to pay for his parking ticket he obtained on November 17th! I was NOT having this! I hauled my gargantuan ass off the couch, and shook my fist at the TV.
Cat shot me. But, to my surprise, the gun was some kinda rick and morty portal gun type of situation, and instead of dying, I was transported into catdogland, along with my nephew! I passed out during this process, and when I woke up, I was in some kind of dungeon situation. I was chained to the wall! I tried gumming the chain, but it was no use. Just then, winslow ran by. He said he was still pissed at catdog for beating his ass and robbing him, so he agreed to gnaw on the chains and free me. I got up to search the area and look for a way out, and I brought winslow with me, and put him under my hat. I got a few monster encounters in the dungeon, so winslow pulled on what little hair I have left to control my body and help me fight them, like ratatouille. I explored the dungeon for a while, when suddenly I came across a big metal door.
I figured this might be the exit, but when I walked through the door, it was just a big room containing a furry convention! I approached the furries, and demanded to know how to get out of here. One of the furries, a pink dragon chick dressed as a dominatrix, informed me that I was in here because I've "been a very bad boy" as she pulled me by my collar. I told this individual that she was mistaken, as I'd been on my best behavior. She pushed me to the ground and stepped on me, while telling me that she'll "see about that" she dragged me off to another room, and told me to get on my hands and knees, and I was compelled to do as I was told. She then told me to moo for her and started milking my big saggy man titties! What the fuck! And to my shock, milk actually came out of them! She then processed the milk, packaged it in jugs labelled "Tomothy milk", and returned. Then she pulled out a funnel and poured the milk up my ass! All five gallons! WHAT THE FUCK! I was actually really into it, but that's not the point! Then she winked at me and said "That's a mystery mousekatool, it's suprise tool that'll help you later..."
Once all the milk was in there, she squeezed my big hairy ass cheeks together, and told me to say "Mommy, may baby have some milky!" I did as she said, and she let go of my cheeks. The milk sprayed out of my ass everywhere, completely drenching her and the walls around us. Finally she let me go after this. After I asked politely, and blew them all with my toothless maw, the BDSM furries kindly pointed me to the exit. As I was walking out of there, I began pondering about how all of that was a clever metaphor for society, the economy, and the industrial complex. But I'm not gonna explain it to you, figure it out for yourself, you birdnosed assbasket! God, you're all so stupid, the analogy is obvious... I shouldn't have to do everything for you!
After I got out of the building, Catdog was there waiting for me. The final boss battle was upon me. Winslow prepared himself, grabbing my four strands of hair. He was determined to get his revenge, and he was sure lucky to have a pure adonis like me as a vessel. A god among men, truly, with over 900 pounds of pure muscle, even if it is commonly mistaken for blubbering fat. I spit out my last remaining tooth, to show that things were getting serious, and I was ready for battle! Heroically stroking my neckbeard, I announced, "Come at me, dirty ass losers! I'm a gord believer in the situation!" I could tell they were sitting there and shaking in their boots!
With winslow controlling me, I dealt out a sneak attack, toppling them off their feet! They got right back up and lunged at me! Cat clawed at my face, as dog gnawed at my ankles! Winslow made me do an epic kickflip, shaking them off of me, but they jumped back on me, toppling my big ass onto the ground. They tipped me over like a cow, I was on my back, helpless and unable to get up! I kicked and flailed my limbs around like a cockroach, trying to get back up, but it was no use! I had but one hope left! I reached into my pocket, and clutched my ultra deluxe sparkly edition Ra the sun god action figure, to give myself strength! I felt the power flowing within me! I hauled myself back up! I was ready to defeat these individuals! I looked them in the eyes and said, "Have you guys met Joe?" I held out my arms and started spinning around like a helicopter, and came whirling at them at full speed! Then I said, like a badass, "Joe mama"! That did a good blow, but they weren't down just yet! Just then, I felt my stomach gargling! I bent over, and the rest of that Tomothy milk from earlier came spraying out everywhere! Catdog slipped in it immediately, and fell down. They couldn't get back up because they kept slipping! I took another swig of my Mr.Pig, like a badass!
Just then, my nephew showed up. "Dammit! My pissant uncle is still alive! That is SO not sigma!" Catdog looked shocked. Cat was like, "What? That thing is your uncle?" They agreed to let me go, because apparently my nephew became the king of the Nickelodeon universe and shit while we were here or something. My nephew told catdog, "Yeah, I'm supposed to be watching him today while his AI girlfriend gets AI therapy because he can't handle being on his own. I have to get him home before he hurts himself or eats paste again." Geez, that's really thoughtful of him- hey wait a second! So with that, we went back home. When we got home, I went to lookup this episode online to see who was responsible for it. I swear to god if this shit was made by beaverman again, I am NOT gonna be a happy camper! Apparently it wasn't though. It was made by "Lost episodes incorporated". Kinda seems like a bad business idea to have a company solely for creating episodes of copywritten TV shows, that are intended to be lost to time. But who am I to judge?
Just then, I realized I'd forgotten something. Winslow jumped out of my hat! "Haha! You fool!" He announced, "You fell right into my trap! I am now freed from the cartoon universe! Or as I call it, the cartooniverse!" I was aghast! A Minecraft ghast! I did a little ghast gasp! "B-but Winslow.. What do you mean? I helped you defeat catdog!" Winslow did an evil laugh. "It was all a clever ruse! I was a double agent WORKING for catdog all along! They never even kicked my ass for five dollars! That's just what they wanted you to think! Why do you think they were 'defeated' so easily?" It occurred to me that this individual bimbamboozled me! Winslow was an evil mastermind! WHAT THE FUCK! Apparently Winslow also owned the "Lost Episodes Incorporated" company. Which makes sense now, considering this episode was the only lost episode they ever produced, according to duckduckgo. It was all his master plan!
Winslow ran out the door, informing me that this isn't the last I'll be seeing of him. Just then, Beaverman and River Otter Lad showed up at my door. "What's going on, Tomothy? The Winslow detector is going off! Apparently he's in this location!" Beaverman yelled, horrified. I told the heroic duo what occured. River Otter Lad yelled out, "What the fuck, Tomothy! Are you stupid? Why did you release Winslow? We had him contained there for ages, you doomed the world, Tomothy!" They started freaking out and shit. "Oh man, Oh man! We're FUCKED! Tomothy, what have you done, man?" Beaverman grabbed his sidekick by the shoulders and shook them until they got ahold of themself. Beaverman then turned to me. "Tomothy, you have to help us save humanity from Winslow!" Honestly, all of this was stupid as hell, I did NOT give a shit, and I didn't really feel like saving the world from Winslow from catdog, but since Beaverman is sending me a new brother in the mail, I GUESS I owe him one.
I met up with Beaverman and River Otter lad the next day at their headquarters. Beaverman explained our plan to defeat Winslow and trap him back in the catdog universe, or as I call it, the catdogiverse. Apparently we were gonna make some kinda stupid lost episode of stranger things, his favorite show, to convince him to stop being evil, I don't even know, I was only half paying attention. But then, after all that, was when the most horrifying thing yet happened... "Tomothy, I want you to meet the person you'll be partnered with for this mission!" Beaverman said, before bringing in..... HOLY SHIT! The black, pansexual, mexican muslim I saw earlier appeared before me! Beaverman revealed that they were a spy hired by Beaverman inc, to keep tabs on Winslow! The individual flipped their blue hair and revealed their true identity! "That's right, Tomothy! I see you remember me! But I must confess that I'm actually.... The Woker!" They did a maniacal laugh, "Why so queerious?" Beaverman explained that they actually used to be his arch nemesis, but today they're teaming up to fight a common enemy, Winslow! "You wanna know how I got these pronouns, Beaverman?" They grinned sinisterly, "You see... My father used he/they...."
I dropped to my knees, and cried out in agony. I was all like, "Whyyy, white republican Jesus, whyyyy!?" And shit! I took another swig of my Mr.Pig to calm myself down. Beaverman wrapped up the meeting, and everyone went home, except for me because I was still throwing my tantrum. I accidentally rolled onto my back, and got stuck, flailing around like a bug again.
I've now been here for three days.