It's been a while. Why have I been gone so long? Long work hours? A realization that my content sucks, and I'm doing nothing with my life? Nope. And fuck you for thinking that. It's all because of one thing. One thing that's been driving me mad for weeks on end. A backpack. Might sound strange, but believe me. This is a true story, one that happened to ME, Uncle Wek. So, neices, nephews, and others, prepare for a bone chilling tale.
It was a night like any other. I was driving home from piggly wiggly, when my car started running low on gas, which was odd because I could have swore I had a full tank just five minutes ago. I drove around a bit, looking for a gas station, and by the time I found one, I realized I was kinda lost. My GPS had stopped working all of a sudden. Then I also realized I had to piss, but the gas station didn't have a working bathroom for some reason. So I walked around the area, searching for one, I came across a backpack store. Just a normal backpack store, or so I thought. Once I saw the name of the store, I remembered a rumor from a while back, about a cursed backpack at this very store. Probably just a buncha hoohaa though.
After I pissed, I decided to walk around the backpack store for a bit since I had nothing else to do. Then I stumbled across something I'll never forget for the rest of my days. A blue backpack with a picture of some girl I hadn't seen before. It seemed like an ordinary backpack, but I was drawn to it. I noticed the strangest thing about it, all the other backpacks there costed regular money, but this one costed 1,400,000 robux. I didnt know why, but something, some force I couldn't comprehend was compelling me to purchase it. When I got back to my car, my GPS booted up, and began working in a jiffy all of a sudden. Well, that takes care of that.
I began the drive home. Along the way, I don't know where it came from, but I got this strange sense that the backpack's name was emilia. I found this tibit rather interesting. After about an hour of driving, I got the feeling the emilia backpack was a little lonely in the back seat, so I pulled over to move her to the passenger seat. She seemed a lot more comfortable there. I even buckled her in. Click it or ticket, as they say. Don't want her getting hurt. I continued the drive home feeling more pleased with myself.
I got home that night, pretty tired. I immediately crawled into bed. But emilia backpack was cold, so I hauled my ass back up and brought her to my bed. We had just met, so I just let her take the bed, and went to sleep on the couch. Because of this, I woke up with bad back pain. But I'd decided it was worth it to make emilia backpack happy. I had work that day, so I started getting ready. But, emilia backpack was hungry. I knew the only decent thing to do was make a gourmet 3 course meal for her. Work would have to wait, emilia backpack was more important. After cooking the meal, I noticed emilia wasn't eating. I started losing my shit a little. Was there something wrong with the cuisine? Did I displease her? Oh god, oh no, oh fuck.... NOOOOOO!!! I HAVE TO PLEASE EMILIA BACKPACK!
I sold my car that evening. I didn't need to go anywhere. I had all I needed right here in this house, Emilia backpack. I needed to dedicate more time to her. Emilia backpack. That's when my "family" came knocking at my door. I don't know what they wanted, something about "we're worried about you" and "You've been holed up there for 4 months!" or some shit like that. It pissed me off, cuz they were taking my attention away from emilia backpack. Emilia backpack didn't like it either. I knew I obviously had to slaughter them all like cattle, it'd be utterly ridiculous not to. So that's what I did. I painted a beautiful mural in their blood, for emilia backpack. I had these dreams every night, always the same ones. I dreamt about how wonderful and perfect the world would be if everyone was emilia backpack. I got fired from my job, the bills started piling up, the power went out in my house, but I didn't care, for emilia backpack was there.
I began to feel that the content on my channel was a waste of time. It had nothing to do with emilia backpack and was in no way honoring her. A change had to be made. I began planning for days, the perfect video to showcase her greatness, but they were all failures! None of them properly captured her glory. None of them were worthy. I deleted every story I was working on. The dark secret behind captain crunch? Gone! The lost episode of the jehovas witness caleb and sophia cartoons? Away with it! The my 600 pound life lost episode? No siree! All I should post from hereon out is endless diatribes about the perfection and glory of the god of our new world, emilia backpack!
Everywhere I look, I see her, Emilia backpack! Every time I close my eyes, she's burned into my eyelids, and I can't escape her. But I don't want to. I still need more of her. I need more emilia backpack. I gave myself an emilia backpack tattoo, but that wasn't enough. I rearranged my internal organs to be in the shape of her face, causing me to now piss out of my left nostril, but that still wasn't enough! I got her surgically implanted onto my back, so I could never take her off, but then I realized I couldn't see her, so that was pretty dumb. I undid that and instead, turned my house into a shrine to her, and made emilia backpack her own throne in the center. I would kill everyone on earth and myself for emilia backpack.
I love emilia backpack. emilia backpack loves me. I learned all I could about emilia backpack. Apparently, because emilia backpack is so great, someone made a whole youtube channel based around her called "emili TV" Which is very nice of them. I don't really care much about the channel or the people running it, but this backpack is my savior. Emilia backpack is real. She's real, I tell you! Emilia backpack! ahahaha emilia backpack is real!! She's real! She's real! emilia backpack....... emilia.... backpack.... EMILIA BACKPACK EMILIA BACKPACK EMILIA!!!!!!! emilia backpackkkkk!! emilio satchel.. emilia backpack!! ahem, anyway, I love emilia backpack.
I was thinking of more ways to prove my devotion to her, when something occurred to me. I paid 1,400,000 robux for emilia backpack. $15,540 in real money. I realized this was highly insulting, as clearly she's worth far more than that. I went back to the backpack store, on foot since I sold my car, and demanded to pay more money for her. I brought every cent I had. "I just HAVE to pay more for this cursed backpack you sold me! The amount I paid isn't nearly enough!" when I told them this, they looked at me confused. "Cursed backpack?" Obviously the employees here are fucking retarded, so I explained it to them. "Yeah, the one that curses you to be obsessed with it and become its loyal minion!" What they said next, however, baffled me. "That's not the cursed backpack!" they gestured over to a patchy backpack clearly fashioned from human flesh behind a glass enclosure. "This is!" The backpack growled at me. "Also, that's not even the curse it gives you! The curse is making you think the 67 meme is funny!" at this, I wiped the sweat from my brow. That's a relief. All this one did was make me kill my entire family and sell all my worldly posessions! She also told me that purple homer simpson is the superior meme, so shes obviously enlightened. I didn't know what to make about emilia backpack not really being cursed. I just continued doing what I was doing, praising her and whatnot and pretended I didn't hear that so I wouldn't feel stupid.
I still love emilia backpack, and I will still honour her. But I GUESS I'll get back to making other videos and stuff, since shes not really mind controlling me or whatever. Oh well. It is what it is.