Let me ask you a question. What would you do if there was a sesame freak on Sesame Street? That question may be a bit jarring to some, and many don't quite know how they'd answer it. Most probably wouldn't even want to consider the possibility. I, however, was unfortunate enough to find out. I suppose this may be a lesson learned.
How did this all start? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, it was a dark, stormy day, and I was at Ross: Dress For Less. I was trying to dress for less, when something shiny caught my eye. I walked over to take a peek, and it was a DVD titled "The Sesame Freak on Sesame Street". The cover art was a picture of Elmo with evil red lazer eyes. I was intrigued by this, and added it to my cart. When I went to the counter to pay, the clerk saw the DVD and went pale, a look of pure terror on their face. I asked them what was the matter, and they told me, "Son, you don't wanna go foolin' around with this!" in a deep southern accent. I asked why, and they told me "This here's stuff of the devil! This 30 minute special episode of Sesame Street is bad news! Been lost for years, they dun tried to get rid of it! This'll damn your soul to hell, boy!" I put my hand over my mouth and gasped. I was much too curious to give up now, I just had to know what horrors the DVD contained! I insisted on buying it. What the clerk said next, however, absolutely shook me to my core. "Do you have a rewards card with us, sir?" I stood horrified, as I in fact, did NOT have a rewards card. I made the purchase, and headed home to my five million dollar supervillain lair to watch it.
I popped the DVD into the player, and it began. The theme song began playing, it was mostly normal, but with one slight difference. The rhythm was the same, but all the lyrics were changed to "The sesame freak on sesame street" over and over. After that ended, the episode started. Elmo was walking down the street, the Sesame Street to be precise, when Big Bird came up to him, waving his bird wings frantically. "ELMOOOO!!" he yelled out, "THERE'S A SESAME FREAK ON SESAME STREET!" Elmo put his hands up to his mouth and let out a cute, feminine gasp. He said "Woah, that's crazy, man! A Sesame freak on Sesame Street? I can't believe it! Get outta here with that shit!" For some reason, Elmo had a racist spanish accent, which I do NOT approve of, I was VERY upset about this, seeing as Elmo is voiced by a white guy! It kinda sounded like a bad George Lopez impression. It was very exaggerated. It was also very important to the story, so if anyone's doing a reading of this pasta, it's absolutely paramount that they read it that way. But just know, that when you do, I will shake my head in disapproval. So anyways, Elmo said "eyy, I gotta get outta here and tell all my éses!" and then he ran away. Big Bird then went to warn others of the sesame freak on Sesame Street. Cookie Monster was eating cookies and playing jumprope with Kermit. Elmo and Big Bird ran up to them to warn them of the impending doom. Cookie monster yelled out, "Oh no, a Sesame freak on Sesame Street? I hope he doesn't steal all my sesame seeds!" Kermit crossed his arms, and gave a very skeptical look. "Well, see that's actually very unlikely, first of all, define 'freak', logistically, it isn't very probable that one would actually be on Sesame Street, also, define 'Sesame' and define 'Street'. The idea of such a thing being on Sesame Street is actually just a woke liberal hoax, just like vaccines and my mommy telling me bedtime is at 8:00!" Big Bird stopped for a moment to consider the great point Kermit made, and decided to go clean his room. Elmo went on to tell more people. He went to Count Chocula. "ey man, there's a Sesame freak on Sesame Street, you gotta amscray!" Then Elmo and the Count did a musical number about the Sesame freak on Sesame Street. All the lyrics were just "Sesame freak on Sesame Street" just like the intro. The musical number was 2D animated, several other citizens of Sesame Street joined in, and everyone was wearing white robes, in a white room, and doing interpretive dance, waving around white cloths. After this ended, the show went back to live action. And then, elmo turned to the camera, and said "9/11 is going to happen, man!" And I was like WHAAAAA?? This episode came out in 1999!! How did elmo know this??? What the FUCK??? I was shaking, piss trickling down my leg at this point.... and then, all of the characters onscreen that we just saw during the musical number, consisting of Elmo, the Count, Big Bird, Kermit, Cookie Monster, Grover, Oscar, Bert, Ernie, and Miss. Noodle, all pulled out comically large butcher's knives and started killing each other!
The most hyperrealistic blood I've ever seen splattered everywhere, and covered the screen for two minutes. Once it cleared, Elmo turned to the camera, and said "I guess the real Sesame Freak was inside us all along!" This was his iconic catchphrase, I'd always wondered what he meant by it... now I had the devastating answer. I was traumatized by the contents of this episode. I curled up into a ball, rocking back and fourth while sucking my thumb, hoping the horror was finally over. Then Elmo turned to the camera, and he said "May this be a lesson to NEVER litter, Jeffery!" Jeffery is my name, but I assumed the show was talking about another Jeffery. Probably the Jeffery down the street from me. (Not the Sesame one though) But then Elmo continued. "Jeffery Sniffleton, specifically. If your name is Jeffery, but you're not that one, please disregard this message!" Okay, NOW I was freaking out! But, maybe Elmo meant another Jeffery Sniffleton? It is a pretty common name. "Otherwise known as THE SNIFFER!" Alright, that does it! How does Elmo know my full name, AND my supervillain alias? And how does he know about my devilish crime of littering? The episode ended, and I ejected the DVD. I smashed it with a hammer so nobody would have to experience this terrifying episode ever again, and be scarred for life like I was.
I took a nap, and had nightmares about Elmo fusing my legs together like a mermaid tail and calling me "fish boy". It was very unpleasant. When I woke up, I heard my doorbell ring. I went to answer and nobody was there! I thought the local kids just ding dong ditched me, but then I noticed a small note on my doorstep. "Did you like that episode, Sniffer? That outta straighten you out. I guess the real sesame freak was inside us all along! love, Beaver Man" Blast! I should have known! This episode was made by my arch nemesis, to punish me for my dastardly deeds! That person at Ross that sold it to me was secretly his sidekick, River Otter Lad in a clever disguise! Upon this discovery, I dropped to my knees, and yelled out, "CURSE YOU, BEAVER MAAAANNNNN!!!!"