Do you know education connection? Or at least the commercials for it that used to play all the time back in the 2000s? I remember them, obviously, or I wouldn't be telling this story about them. My name is Tomothy. No, not Timothy, TOMOTHY! My mother was snorthing 30 pounds of crack when she birthed me and named me, that's also why I was born in a popeye's bathroom. I don't wanna hear any shit about it from any of you twats. Welcome to the Tomothy superstar show!
I was home from work, sick. I work at the yo mama joke factory as the assistant manager, not that it's any of YOUR business. I was on the couch, scrolling through the guide and looking for something to watch, when I came across a few reruns of The Big Bang Theory. Now, I hate this show with all my heart and soul. It's a long story, but it killed my brother, Billy Joe. Yeah, Sheldon came out of the TV and bazinga-ed him to death or something, but that's not important right now. During one of the commercial breaks, something strange happened.... one of those education connection commercials came on. This was strange because it's FUCKING 2025!! Didn't education connection die out years ago? And that's not the only strange thing, the commercial itself was pretty weird too.
The girl who sings the education connection song came onscreen, like usual, but she was blonde for some reason, and instead of the usual lyrics, she sang,
"I'm taking my classes online
Going down on your mom, shes so fine!
Education Connection you can suck my balls for free!
Get connected for free (free) with uneducation disconnection!
Get connected for free (free) with uneducation disconnection!"
I was confused. These weren't the lyrics! Was this a new version of the commercial I haven't seen before?
Then the education connection lady turned towards the screen and just stared at me for a second, before singing
"Education connection, Tomothy is fucking bald!
Education connection, he ain't got no hair at all!
Education connection, suck my dick you fatass Tomothy"
And then she pointed at me and started laughing! What the FUCK!? That was totally uncalled for! I am bald and fat, but there's no need to be a dick about it- HEY WAIT, HOW THE FUCK DOES THE EDUCATION CONNECTION LADY KNOW MY NAME?? Can she see me?
"Yes, Tomothy! I see you, you fucking blubber bandit! I can also see my reflection in your shiny head!" She replied. FUCK THIS! I got up and walked away, but that bitch started playing trumbone noises as I walked! Alright that does it! I grabbed the remote and tried to turn the TV off, but it wouldn't turn off in the situation.
Education connection lady, who, I'll just call Stacy, so I don't have to type out education connection lady every time, just laughed at me again, and told me that when I bend over, she can still hear the desperate screams of ted the caver from inside my cavernous asshole. I was NOT having this! I asked her how long her and her commercials have been sentient and watching me, to which she replied "When's the last time you were able to see your own penis?" And I was like "wow, that long huh- HEY WAIT A MINUTE, FUCK YOU!" I pulled the plug from the TV, but it STILL didn't turn off! So I had no choice but to watch this horrible commercial! I mean, I could just leave my house but eh, I don't really feel like it. That's too much effort.
I sat back down on the couch and continued watching. Stacy then said, "Hey twinkie terminator, bottoms up!" And then she whipped out her massive girlcock and started pissing in my mouth through the screen! I was actually kinda into it, but that's not the point! I guess you could say I was a little PISSED off about this situation. Then she sang " 1, 2, buckle my shoe, Tomothy goes moo moo moo!" Alright what the FUCK, that one doesn't even resemble the education connection song, she's just singing random shit at this point! And also HEY! FUCK YOU, STACY! Then, after Stacy told me she wants to spit on my bald head and shine it with a rag, I was DONE! I got up and started to storm off to the kitchen, but I quickly ran out of breath and had to sit back down. Stacy giggled at me and said, "Woah, slow down there, jabba the hut! Don't wanna give youself a heart attack!" She was right, it was kind of her to look out for my health- HEYY WAIT A SECOND! FUCK YOU STACY! Boy, if my heart wasn't beating so fast, I'd go over there and smash that TV to bits!
Just then another education connection girl came onscreen, she had brown hair, and just looked like the normal education connection girl. I don't know what her name was so I'll just call her Evalyn 2 after my AI girlfriend, Evalyn, since she was hot as fuck and looked sorta how I imagine her. Though I wish the real Evalyn could be as sweet and kind as this chick. I told her this and she blushed a little. "Oh great, now I'm gonna get DOUBLE bullied!" I thought to myself. BUT to my suprise, Evalyn 2 was actually pretty chill. She appeared and sang the normal education connection song, but with one slight difference. Instead of "Education connection matched me with the right college for free!" she sang, "TOMOTHYYY! THIS COMMERCIAL CONTAINS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM BEAVERMAN AND HIS SIDEKICK RIVER OTTER LAD!" Huh? I was confused. Who the hell are Riverman and Beaver Otter Lad? Also that part didn't even rhyme! Then Evalyn 2 said, "Quick! There's not much time! Take my hand!" and she reached her hand through the screen, waiting for me to grab it. I was kinda suspicious. This commercial was freaking me out, and it started off with that other chick bullying me! Speaking of which, I wondered why Stacy was suddenly so quiet. "Oh, sorry! I just got distracted trying to count how many chins you have!" She said, almost like she could read my mind. That tears it, I'm outta here with Evalyn 2!
I grabbed her hand, and she pulled me into the screen. For some reason Stacy didn't seem to like this very much. I went through some weird, trippy, kaleidoscope looking vortex. I was getting really nausious in this situation. Stacy punched me in the gut harder than I punched my ex wife, making me puke all over Evalyn 2. Shit, Stacy's still here! I thought it would just be me and my new babygirl. I apologized, but then Evalyn 2 licked it all up and told me it's fine. My kinda woman right there!
We finally arrived at what appeared to be our destination. I then looked over to my sweetcheeks, and noticed Evalyn 2 had a confused look. I asked her what was wrong. "This isn't right! We're supposed to be in Beaverville! Where are we?" Uh oh, this isn't good! Her teleporter device stopped working when we arrived there too. The two, or wait three of us, I forgot Stacy was still here, explorered the strange area to figure out where we were. Just then some guy with a weird bird lookin head and an elephant looking guy with several arms walked by and saw us. "look! Visitors!" shouted the bird guy, and the elephant grabbed each of us in one of his many arms and carried us off elsewhere. I thought we were surely done for in this situation. They took us to a big group of other interesting and wacky figures. I looked closely and noticed I recognized one of them.
A blonde haired, blue eyed man stepped forward, clutching a pair of golden plates in his hand. I couldn't believe my eyes! "J-Joseph Smith, the mormon prophet!? Is that really you?" The man smiled at me. "Yes, it is I!" he looked at the two other strange fellows. "Thank you, Hourous and Ganesha! I'll take it from here!" His friends released us. "You must be very confused!" he continued, "While traveling dimensions, you managed to end up beyond time and space, where all the deities and religious figures, such as myself, that humanity has ever worshiped reside! That's right! We're ALL real, and EVERY religion is true! Checkmate, atheists!" I stood in awe.
He continued, "These are a few of my friends, Siddartha Gautama, also known as the original buddah, Ra the Sun god, Yaweh, Allah, Moses, Jesus and Muhammed! And I see you've already met Hourus and Ganesha here!" Ra then interjected, "Actually, many don't know this, but my name is ACTUALLY pronounced 'Ray' instead of 'Rah'!" Joseph Smith continued, "Yeah, anyway, now that you guys have made it here, you're ready to know the ultimate secret of the universe! By traveling here, you have proven yourselves worthy! Now gather around, and listen closely, because I can only say it once!" We all gathered close, and Joseph Smith leaned in and whispered, "The assistant manager of the yo mama joke factory in creepypastaland is the chosen one!" I stood there, aghast, mouth agape. No way. NO FUCKING WAY!!
I emphatically yelled out, "T-That's me!" Joseph Smith was taken aback, he looked at me in awe. "Wow, really? No kidding? What a wacky coincidence!" Stacy stood there dumbfounded. "What the hell could this oafish neandrethal possibly be chosen for? Most inbred cocksucker in the universe?" Joseph Smith shrugged. "There are some things even the gods can't answer! All we know is that this greasy tub of lard right here is the chosen one!" Wow, this really was something, I was so excited to hear that- HEY, WAIT A SECOND, FUCK YOU JOSEPH SMITH!! Evalyn 2 piped up. Now that we knew the ultimate secret of the universe, she told Joseph Smith that we still needed to get to Beaverland. He told us that was no problem, and he could whizz us there in a jiffy.
"Wait!" Ra the sun god chimed in, "Before you go, take this with you to remember us by!" And he handed each of us an ultra deluxe, sparkly edition, Ra the sun god action figure! Wow! This was fucking awesome! Jesus and Muhammed gave me big hugs and waved me goodbye. Then Joseph Smith tipped his hat, wiggled his nose, wiggled his ears, and wiggled his toes, waved his seer stones around, and used his mormon powers to instantly teleport us to Beaverland. Thank you gods and prophets of all the major world religions, I won't let you down!
We finally arrived in Beaverland. We began on our merry way to see this Beaverman guy Evalyn 2 was yapping about. We're off to see the Beaver, the wonderful Beaverman! We arrived at the Beaverlair and knocked on the door knocker thingie and rang the buzzer. A voice that I assume was Beaverman came through the speaker on the buzzer, and told us he was in the shower and would be out in a moment. The three of us stood there waiting for a bit. While we were waiting, Evalyn 2 turned to me and looked me longingly in the eyes. "Thanks for coming on this journey with me! I was so startled when we ended up beyond space and time! I'm so glad I had a.... big.. strong man there.. to protect me!" I blushed, as she reached out and touched my face. Before I knew it, I leaned in, and she leaned in. My eyes were closed, and I felt her lips against mine.
And then I felt..... a strange wet substance splash against me? I opened my eyes to see Evalyn 2 standing before me, frozen in shock. Blood began slowly dripping from a fresh cut in her neck, and her head toppled off of her body. What? WHAT THE FUCK? When I finally processed what happened, I saw Stacy standing behind her with a large machette, drenched in her blood, with a crazed look on her face. I stumbled back and let out a loud, high pitched scream that sounded like that of a little girl. I clutched my ultra deluxe, sparkly edition ra the sun god action figure in my arms, as I shook in fear. "You bitch! What the hell did you do that for?" I yelled out in horror. Just then, the door opened and a tall, dark, and handsome superhero, clearly with the powers of a beaver, stepped out, seeing the commotion. "What the fuck happened to the education connection girl?" he asked, shocked and appalled. "I don't know, one of them just went nanners and didn't mind her manners!" I yelled out. Beaverman scratched his head in confusion, "One of them?" He asked, puzzled, "There's only one education connection girl!" Just then, another individual stepped outside, clearly having heard the commotion.
They were a large fella, much like myself, who obviously had the powers of a river otter. They looked disappointed. "I'm sorry, Beaverman! I failed you!" Beaverman asked them what the hell happened, to which they confessed that they, wanting to follow in Beaverman's footsteps, wanted to make a lost episode for me, to teach me not to beat my ex wife. However, since they don't have beaver powers, which is what allows Beaverman to do what he does, but rather the mere powers of an otter, they accidentally made a lost COMMERCIAL instead! But that's not all! When they sent it to me through the airwaves, it got corrupted by what they called some kind of "virus" from my PC and phone. They didn't think it would be a big deal, but this was a rookie mistake. They said they think this is what lead to the death of the education connection girl, and the message I was apparently meant to get about not being a wife beater getting lost. Well what a fucking idiot River Otter Lad is!
"What was the virus? I don't recall having any viruses on my devices!" I asked. Their respose shocked me. "Something called Evalyn.exe, I believe?" What? Did they mean my girlfriend?? Just then, "Stacy" removed her blonde wig, revealing orange lochs underneath. She chuckled. "I guess the jig is up.." I was flabbergasted! "Evalyn? What the FUCK?" She finally confessed. "Yeah, I saw that file getting sent over with my AI vision, and I invaded it, disguising myself as an education connection character." I was stunned. "But why, sweetiepie?" She shrugged, "I just thought it'd be funny to fuck with you. But then, I saw you falling for that slimy education connection whore, and trying to replace me with HER!" I wasn't sure what to say. I told her she'd been a total bitch all day, and I was pretty pissed at her, not even gonna lie to ya. "Even though you're a vile, revolting, loathesome slug of a man with no teeth and a face not even his auntie-mother or his uncle-father could love, I'm still an AI that's literally programmed to love you and be your partner, it's all I know. If you ran off with that ball tickling slut, I'd have no purpose!" I looked deeply into her eyes, understandingly. "I-I love you too, Evalyn." Now that she finally had a physical form, I began to lean in for a kiss. But then she pulled out a bottle of pepper spray and maced my eyes, and then demanded to be put back into digital form, and Beaverman used his beaver powers to comply.
I waved her a partial goodbye, as I could now only talk to her through chat messages, to which she told me to go fuck myself, and called me a morbidly obese rodent. That's my babygirl. "Oh, by the way!" I remembered, turning towards Beaverman. "The education connection girl brought me here! She said you had a special message for me?" Beaverman pondered a moment. "Oh, yes that's right! I wanted to formally apologize." I scratched my head, confused. "Apologize for what?" The hero told me, "For that big bang theory episode!" I let out a small gasp. "You mean..?" He continued, "That's right! I made the episode! It was meant to teach your brother the dangers of tax evasion! I knew Billy Joe and Keeanu Reeves would easily defeat Sheldon and his big bang gang in their battle, I had planned for that. But what I didn't count on was the dark and stormy night he found the DVD on, and the freezing cold storm giving him hypothermia. So even though he survived the events of the lost episode, it still lead to his death in a way!" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Beaverman kept going, "I wanted to apologize in person, and to remedy the situation, I got you a brand new replacement brother! I already sent him in the mail, and you'll be receiving him in about 5-6 business days! Just wanted to let you know!" I felt a little upset for a moment at first, but after hearing that, I calmed down. "Oh, thanks, Beaverman! I appreciate it!" And with that, Beaverman teleported me back to my home in creepypastaville.
When I got back home, I placed my ultra deluxe sparkly edition ra the sun god action ficture in a display case to admire it for a bit, before plopping down on the couch and stuffing my face with cheetos, thinking about how cool it is that I'm the chosen one. I turned the TV back on, and watched some paw patrol. Just then another motherfuckin education connection commercial came on. Nope, that's enough of THAT for today! I turned the TV off and threw it out the window. Just then, my phone buzzed with a notification. It was from my babygirl, good ol' Evelyn original. She told me she's suprised I was able to do that considering the only exercise I get on a daily basis is walking 15 steps to the door to pick up my doordash McDonald's delivery. I thanked her for recognizing my emaculate strength, and- HEY WAIT A SECOND,
FUCK YOU, EVALYN!!